Suicide

‘Suicide’ had to be the final track on this album. Because after a suicide, everything ends. No more answers. No more struggle. No more justice. No more pain.

As this is a very difficult subject, I perhaps need to start by making a fundamental point. Personally, I have come to realise that suicide is not a solution, but I do not wish to present my truth as the only real truth here. Perhaps many would expect that of me, but I cannot fulfil that expectation.

Life can lead you to a point where you ask yourself: ‘Is this life still worth living?’ Every person should have the right to decide this question for themselves. However, you should not take this step alone. By this I do not mean that you should invite others into your world of suicidal thoughts. But you can discuss the reasons behind your own suicidal thoughts with professionals (doctors, therapists, etc.). These people are able to show you a new perspective – one that you simply can no longer develop on your own. (I am grateful that I was able to get to know these people, these professionals).

But suicidal thoughts also have another reality that many people, who are unfamiliar with them, cannot imagine. It is not a cold, hard calculation: a hopeless life + inner pain = suicide. Rather, on the one hand, you are trapped by the question: do I really want to die? On the other hand, a spiral of thoughts begins about which method of suicide you might choose. Hanging is simple, but can be very painful. Jumping from a high-rise building is a sure-fire way, but how do you get onto the roof of a high-rise building? Crazy thoughts? Yes! Suddenly, you find yourself trapped in an endless spiral of thoughts of death.

But there is another truth too. Suicidal thoughts are quiet thoughts. Someone affected is struggling with themselves. Why should I tell others about my thoughts? Other people might try to talk me out of my plan. No one who is truly and seriously considering suicide takes that risk. Anyone who shares their thoughts with others still harbours the hope that someone else will save them. Anyone who is truly coming to terms with death no longer wants to be saved. That person has reached the end of their journey. (I don’t want to talk here about people who use suicide to blackmail others. They’re just bloody idiots!)

My last song has a sound that’s almost romantic in a twisted way – perhaps even like a hymn to death. My aim was to highlight just how liberating the thought of suicide can be. For someone who believes they no longer have the power to make decisions, there remains one final decision – the decision about their own life. It’s a thought I can understand why many people would shake their heads at. Perhaps you can only understand it if you’ve experienced it yourself.

But what my song definitely isn’t is a statement that, in the end, suicide is the only option left. It’s simply the point at which so much – perhaps everything – comes to a decision. Who am I? What do I want?

Everyone must answer that for themselves!