Blurred Dreams

Our society is a strange place. Money and power are the gods of happiness. Human interaction is seen as a social weakness. So it’s no wonder that narcissists and their traits are regarded as particularly conducive to success.

The narcissist is assertive. He implements plans without mercy. Well, one person or another may get left behind in the process, but in our society it’s all about success, not humanity.

If you’ve had the misfortune of living under a narcissist, you cannot fully share the enthusiasm for such people. For this life is a life of madness. Your own perception no longer functions, and at some point you find yourself asking: Am I mad, or is the situation mad?

With ‘Blurred Dreams’, I wanted to portray that terrible feeling when you can no longer trust your own mind. Because living under a narcissist means constant manipulation, lies, fear and self-doubt.

The narcissist’s trick is that one day they shower you with love, and the next day that love is withdrawn again. So you’re constantly chasing after the love of someone who is incapable of loving. Because in the narcissist’s world, the only people who exist are those who are useful. If you’re useful, the narcissist can be charming, even loving. But woe betide you if you lose your usefulness.

Even more frightening is that you notice the narcissist’s behaviour in other people very clearly and very quickly recognise their pattern of pushing people away when they no longer need them. Yet you keep telling yourself that they won’t play this game with you. After all, you yourself are special to the narcissist! But the narcissist knows no emotional attachment. He knows only utility and nuisance. And the nuisance is removed.

But it’s a long road to that point. Before that happens, the useful person is brought into line. The victim’s perception is called into question, and phrases are uttered such as: ‘Your memory is wrong!’ or ‘That didn’t happen at all; you’re mistaken!’. At first, you tell yourself, ‘OK, maybe I really was mistaken’, but eventually doubts set in. Can your own memory really be so wrong? And slowly, bit by bit, you lose your mind.

The doubts grow, and the contradictions between the ‘truth’ they offer and your own truth become ever greater and more painful. The victim is suddenly torn between the painful truth and the fear of loss. A sane person would say, ‘Just be glad you’re rid of the narcissist.’ But that’s not how the game works.

The brutal truth is that, in the end, one person is broken, whilst the other – the narcissist – has already forgotten that person’s name.

That is why the synth-pop sound of ‘Blurred Dreams’ is deliberately slightly hypnotic, like a dream from which one cannot wake up. You lie there and see yourself lying in bed, numb. You want to scream and wake up, but there is no escape from the madness.

Perhaps our society will finally recognise this condition as an illness rather than a driving force for success. Perhaps then the victims will at least be able to breathe a little easier.